This weekend, I performed an annual Mom of No ritual, which is called "Attending the Special Needs Transitions Fair". In the past, I've gone mainly to see what programs were out there and get a general idea of what I would be facing as the Son of Never Stops Eating got older. However, it's getting real now- when I looked at the paperwork for his upcoming annual ARD*, I realized that he'd been invited to participate for the first time. I'm glad; he should be involved in his own educational decision making.
Transition planning for a special needs child is like trying to climb Everest in a blizzard while wearing bedroom slippers and a blindfold. When people see homeless people in downtown areas, they think various things- he's a drunk, he must be crazy, she could get a job at McDonald's instead of panhandling, he uses drugs. I think this: If I screw this up, that could be my son someday.
I enjoy my kids, but at some point in their adult lives, I do want them to move out**. I can't convert a bedroom into a quilt sewing room/library if an adult kid is actually still using it, right? The teenager seems to get that; she doesn't even want to share a state with her parents once she turns 18 since she's looking at out of state colleges. My son, however, is a different story: I asked him what he wanted to do after he finished school and he said "I want to live with you". He seems to have the idea that once he's done with school, it will be nonstop Legos, iPad time and Nickelodeon 24/7; that is not the plan that the Mom of No has in mind. The Mom of No's plan at this time is actually not really a plan, it is more of a nebulous concept of bits and pieces that sound promising and that are going to be held together with duct tape, sweat and prayer.
The issues that adults with special needs face regarding employment, housing, transportation and other aspects of independent living are not a priority for policy makers. In this country we like complicated problems to have easy answers, and in this case the answer is that families with special needs members are on their own. I suspect that when people think of "autism", they think of little kids, with little kid issues- but kids grow up (as I am finding out), and they can't stay in school forever.
I have about 10 years to plan, and I hope that it is enough time- I pray that my son can find meaningful work, that he can eventually live in a home of his own, that he will have friends, that he will be part of a faith community where he will be welcome, that people will watch out for him so that he won't be abused or taken advantage of. Above all, I hope that the safety net that our small family-and hopefully, our extended community- will weave for him will be strong enough to last his entire life.
It's a hike up Everest; I have my hiking boots on, and off we go.
*If you are reading this and you are lost, then you are probably not a special needs parent; an ARD is an acronym for "Admissions, Review and Dismissal", also known as a periodic meeting with your school regarding your child's special education placement.
** He's actually welcome to live with me as an adult although at some point he probably won't want to. I said something once to someone about how my goal was for him to live independently as an adult and the response was that I was a horrible heartless person. I'm really not, but I do have a finite life span (like all of us), so he can't live with me forever.
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