Annual Autism Awareness Month Post

I'm sitting in the car with the Son of Never Stops Eating after church and before the weekly post-church grocery store run, trying to explain FICA and federal income tax paycheck deductions.  He just got his first teenager job, and he's trying to figure out how much he needs to make in order to buy his latest Heart's Desire, which is something called an AT-AP Walker.  He's also going through a little pre-employment angst; he's worried that he will make a mistake his first day of work, or that he won't get along with his co-workers.

When The College Student got her first job, she did everything on her own.  I think I might have told her to take zero deductions on the W-2 form.  For the Son of Never Stops Eating, a little more assistance was required; for example, I had to explain the question "Are you legal to work in the United States?" and I also had to call his life planner, because planning for special needs issues is beyond complicated and I'd rather get bitten by a venomous snake than do my son's special needs life planning without professional guidance.  I had to make sure that (1) it was OK for him to work over the summer, and (2) find out how much I could allow him to make and not risk losing eligibility for SSI/SSDI at 18, because I need him to eventually be on Medicare so that I know he will have health insurance.  Then I had to explain all the answers to his prospective boss.

That is the thing about parenting a special needs about to be young adult- my mind is constantly working through scenarios: What will he do after high school?  Where will he eventually live? How will he get around? What kind of work will he do? How will we keep track of his earnings so we don't cross the line and get kicked off all the programs he's going to need?  Should we obtain guardianship? I explain all this to people who don't have special needs kids and sometimes I can tell, while they're nodding sympathetically, what they're really thinking is "I'm so glad that's you and not me".

Here is what I have come to realize, after years of following special needs and autism issues: People care about people with autism and intellectual disability, especially little kids.  Who doesn't love little kids?  Teenagers and adults, maybe not so much- they're big, and sometimes they don't really act like adults, and they do and say strange or even socially inappropriate things and people aren't usually sure how to respond to all that.  Actually, I should say this: people care, until they realize that really caring involves more than just platitudes- it involves resources.  Like, you know, money.  Then it's time for "Well, you're such a great mom; that's why God gave you such a special son".

The Son of Never Stops Eating is a great kid.  He filled out (with spelling help) his own job application and aced an interview after practicing with his life skills teacher at school.  He is a great artist.  He loves hamsters and going to church and talking about his Legos to anyone who shows interest.  He can identify more birds than most Americans.  He loves chocolate chip pancakes on Saturday mornings with the local Breakfast Club, which has become his second family.  However, some things throw him for a loop: FICA taxes, spam phone calls and texts on his cell phone, questions from cashiers about whether or not he wants to donate to a charity, whether or not he's legal to work, what his disability really means for him.  I want him to be as independent as he possibly can, and our family has worked tirelessly towards that goal.  I also know that he will need help making independence happen.

What our society seems to not quite get yet, or gets but doesn't want to follow through on, is that real help requires actual funding and work.  Schools need more funding to provide more educators, like the teachers and classroom aides that the Son of Never Stops Eating has been fortunate to have, and resources for those teachers to do their jobs.  Families need help with respite care, with paying for therapy, with planning for their child's future.  Adults need help with job training and coaching, finding a safe and affordable place to live with the limited resources many have, with transportation, with making social connections, with navigating the complicated work of being an adult in 21st century America.  It is an absolute shame that in a state that claims to place a high priority on "family values", the Son of Never Stops Eating has been on waiting lists to be evaluated for services since 2009.

Early on in my own autism mom journey, I thought that making people aware would be enough, that people not directly affected by autism or intellectual disability would bring that awareness into their worldview and act accordingly.  I no longer think this.  Now I realize that until our society accepts, embraces, and acts on the idea that all people deserve to live a life with dignity, with access to human needs like meaningful work and a clean, safe place to live and access to medical care, nothing much will change, and while I'd like to say I see that change happening, I can't.   Until it does, I will keep doing what I do, just like so many other parents in my situation- working through a system that is seemingly purposefully designed to keep people from getting what they need to accomplish what every parent wants for a child- a good life.

Decluttering with the Mom of No

Spring is the season of many things - Spring Break, Easter candy (Marshmallow peeps, yum!), March Madness, migratory birds, butterflies, snakes emerging from their hideouts, the countdown to summer vacay (if you're a kid), dandelions, and spring cleaning.  The way that the Mom of No usually approaches spring cleaning is to talk about doing it but to not ever really get around to doing it- the idea of a sparkling clean and organized house sounds good in theory but in practice, when it comes down to a choice between cleaning out closets and hitting the trails, well- I have my priorities.

This year, however, I have become fascinated with Tidying Up with Marie Kondo.  I haven't read the book or watched the TV show but I've seen some You Tube videos and I feel like I have a grasp on the general idea, which is to get rid of things that don't bring you joy- and to fold your shirts and undergarments in a way that looks neat and makes it easier to find things in your dresser. Since I get up for work at 4:45 AM and am usually fumbling around in the dark looking for my shoes, I can appreciate the idea of making your life less cluttered and easier to navigate in the dark.

My first attempt at tidying up was not at home, however; it was at work.  The idea of getting rid of the items that don't bring you joy does not translate well to the cubicle farm;  I quickly found out that the things that bring me joy (my snow globe collection and my coffee cup) are not the things that I need to meet the metrics of acceptable performance on my annual performance evaluation.  I did, however, toss out a bunch of outdated manuals from 2009 and some floppy disks that were the height of technology back in 1991.  I'm not sure what is going on with those; I thought I had gotten rid of all the floppy disks back in 2011 during a cubicle move, but maybe someone else decided to declutter his or her cubicle by leaving them in my cubicle in a late night sneaky ninja operation.

I then decided to give tidying up a whirl at home.  The older I get, the more I like the idea of living an uncluttered and simple life.  Sometimes I have daydreams in which I reduce my possessions down to what will fit in a Casita camper and I spend my remaining years on the planet driving from national park to national park, sitting by a campfire at night sipping hot cocoa out of my only mug while listening to barred owls asking who cooks for you, who cooks for you all.

The problem with this is that I start wondering, well, what do I do with all the other mugs that I have?  Because I have a lot of mugs, and some of them (ok, most of them) have some kind of sentimental value attached to them, and they're really cute and funny, and I don't want to throw them away because that would be wasteful, but based on trips to charity thrift stores, I'm guessing that they probably don't want my mugs either because they already have quite a few, and I could try selling them at a garage sale but I'm not sure anyone would buy them because everyone else is also looking in their kitchen cabinets thinking, wow, where did I get all these mugs?

I have this same problem with almost every other object that I think about removing from my house.  I decided to start with the low hanging fruit, which would be my closet, and immediately started with the "Well, this doesn't bring me joy NOW but if I LOST TEN POUNDS it would bring me joy then!" This is when the Dad of No interjected with "Yeah, but you bought that ten years ago and even if it did fit, would it be in style?".  Honestly, it probably wasn't in style when I bought it.  I'm not really a stylish fashion maven even on my best days.

I feel badly when I get rid of things, especially when I throw things out, because I feel like I'm being wasteful (use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without).  I have no problem throwing away socks with holes in them.  But Christmas-themed socks that the Grandmother of No gave me fifteen years ago?  I have worn them once, and have no plans to do so again, but there is still plenty of wear in them, and who wants used socks?  I have a whole list of things that I've found that I don't really need but I don't know what to do with either- old scrapbooking paper, a Sew Cute tiny sewing machine that the Grandma of No gave the College Student years ago (I think it got used once or twice), those reusable bags with drawstrings that you use like a backpack,  those free little bags I used to get with cosmetics back when I wore makeup, and more.   I don't need any of this stuff, but I'm not sure how to remove it from my life without feeling like I'm being wasteful, either.

If anything has come out of this faltering attempt to declutter the house, it's a renewed resolution to just not buy anything else*.  If I don't buy it now, then I won't be asking myself if this object brings me joy in fifteen years because I won't own it in the first place.  Maybe I can declutter my house by attrition, which seems to be a much painless way to go about it.   I'll let you know how it works out and where you can watch my new You Tube videos when I master this method.


*This doesn't apply to cameras, hiking boots, outdoor equipment, consumables (bring on the Marshmallow peeps), books and field guides, replacing things that have broken, T-shirts from cool places, local bands, or with funny sayings on them, and snow globes.  Now that I cleared out those old manuals, I have room for more snow globes.

The Marsh Project Week #41

I blinked my eyes and spring arrived.

One day the trees were starting to bud out, and the next day- or so it seemed- robins were everywhere amongst the leafing-out trees.  The trail is partially flooded again, but most of it is still accessible, at least to the intrepid with mud boots, and I'm taking full advantage of the later hours and the beautiful weather.  Even the air smells clean and slightly scented; I want to bottle it and save it for later.  As I walk in the early evening, I close my eyes briefly and stand still, hearing the chirps, and the woodpeckers, and the distinctive "whoo cooks for you...who cooks for you all" of the barred owl who has taken up residence in a tree near the trail.  I imagine that I can hear the wings of butterflies and the dragonflies- who have not yet arrived but are surely on their way- moving through the air as they approach my neck of the woods.

When I wrote that robins were everywhere, I mean that along some portions of the trail, they are really everywhere.  I would be walking down the trail and suddenly a burst of robins would explode from the ground, perching in trees just beyond my eyeball's reach.  As I walked down the trail this afternoon, I noticed, amongst the robins, a lone tufted titmouse, hopping along on the ground cover.  I made an attempt at a photo, but all the robins and the tufted titmouse thwarted my efforts and flew away.  Well, perhaps another day.  Nothing wants to stand still!

Besides- the butterflies are coming!  Two weeks ago, nary a butterfly except for one or two faded question marks- but starting this past weekend, every day brings something new.  Yesterday I got my first photo observation of a butterfly I've been trying to get for at least a year, a Falcate Orangetip.  An hour later, I got another observation of a butterfly I have never seen before on the trail, a Henry's Elfin.  Two firsts for my iNaturalist project in one day; that's as good as Christmas.  On Saturday I think I saw a tattered monarch, but it flew away before I could get a close enough look to be sure.  If it was a monarch, there will (hopefully) be more.

Warmer weather also means snakes.  When I hike the trail, sometimes I'll have people ask me (I must give off a "I hike here ALL THE TIME" vibe, because I get asked questions a lot) if there are any snakes on the trail. I'm never entirely sure what to tell them because the answer is "yes", but I don't want them running away in terror, either.   Unless you're looking really closely you'll probably miss quite a few of them; they're quite good at camouflage.  I often wonder just what I'm missing when I hike; for every thing I see, I'm probably missing so much more.

Finally, because of the release from the dam, the pelicans are back.  I could spend hours watching them fish and float on the river;  I stop and tell myself that I am only going to watch for a few minutes and then before I know it, 30 minutes have gone by and it is almost time to leave.  Even the pelicans seems brighter; I don't know if it is the late afternoon light or the pelicans themselves.

Soon enough it will be hot (dragonflies!), and summer will have arrived, but for now the Earth is waking up, and everything seems fresh and new.

Social Media Influencer

The Grandpa of No called me this evening just as I was finishing up my after work/start of the weekend hike.  The College Student is currently on a Greyhound bus headed home for Spring Break (Airfare was over $1000 for a round trip ticket, much too rich for the Mom of No, so she's getting a closer look at America from a bus window).  He wanted to know if I'd heard from her (no) and then he asked me, jokingly, hey, you didn't bribe her school to admit her, did you?

Like I have any money to bribe anyone for anything.  I could offer maybe $50 along with a loaf of homemade banana bread.  I don't think that would get me very far, although the banana bread is really good, especially when it's served warm with butter.  No, I assured him, no bribes.  The College Student managed to obtain admission to her institution of higher education without any financial shenanigans on my part.

What fascinates me about this entire college admissions bribery scandal is that apparently it is possible to find work as a "social media influencer". I've now heard this term twice in the last two weeks and  I'm honestly not even sure what that is.  How do you become a social media influencer?  Who determines what makes a good social media influencer?  Is there a job description out there on the Internet somewhere? Are auditions required, or do you just start posting stuff on Facebook and hope that some Social Media Influencer talent scout finds you?  How did these people get to be so influential when they don't seem to have actually done anything?  (This is where, upon re-reading, I realize that I really am starting to sound like the Grandpa of No).

When I was in high school, I wanted very badly to have the same awkwardly cool flair that Molly Ringwald possessed in Sixteen Candles or The Breakfast Club. I was absolutely convinced that if I had the same magic touch with my appearance that I believed that she did in those movies, I would become popular and confident instead of the nerdy science-fiction reading introvert that I was.  That, and thinking that if I could somehow become part of Duran Duran all my problems would go away, is probably the closest I can relate to being influenced by someone famous.  I'm now 49 and  definitely not a part of the cool crowd, so it's highly possible this social media influencer gig has been a thing for awhile and I'm just now finding out about it, but I'm very baffled by it.

I think, however, that I would be a great social media influencer. Not because I possess any ability whatsoever to convince people to buy more stuff that they really don't need (the Mom of No has been making mostly fruitless and frustrating attempts to Kon-Mari her house, more on that later, it's a sad story, but really- it would be much easier if I had just bought less stuff in the first place, let this be a lesson to you, young whippersnappers- reject the urge to accumulate stuff while you still have a relatively uncluttered life), but because after raising two kids and living almost half a century, I think I have a lot of wisdom to share with others.  Maybe not fashion advice, I don't really have any talent there, but I do have other insights I think the world needs.

For example, if I could get a social media influencer job in which I convince millions of Americans to quit throwing their plastic water bottles, foam soft drink cups, cigarette butts, empty plastic shopping bags, fast food wrappers, underwear*, and other detritus out of their cars onto roadway medians, I would absolutely consider that time well spent.  If people can be convinced that by buying a certain brand of shoes their dreams will all come true, why can't people be convinced that picking up your trash (or at least not tossing it out the car window) is every American's patriotic duty?

Or, I'd like to convince people to back away from the social media and pick up a book.  You can get books free from the local library, so there might not be a lot of money to be made in influencing people to read more.  However, our society would benefit if people talked more about great books they'd read and less about what some famous for being famous people posted on social media.  A social media influencer trying to convince people not to be on social media might sound like a self-defeating proposal but if I found myself out of a social media influencer job because people were reading more, I'd consider that a winning situation.

If those don't attract the Social Media Influencer deciders, perhaps "Birding is for Everyone" will.  Instead of spending hours on social media looking at inaccurate and oversimplified political memes and getting into fights on Facebook groups with strangers, people would start talking about their birding life lists.  Going outside with your kids, a pair of binoculars and a good birding field guide would become the new "in" activity.   If I were an influencer, I would influence people to go outside and look at nature's beauty.

Maybe what I really want to know is why do so many people care what these people, who seem to be famous for no reason at all other than they take good selfies, think?

Anyway, I won't be quitting my day job anytime soon; I have bills to pay- apparently the mortgage company to be paid with money, not baked goods- and I think I might be waiting awhile for the Social Media Influencer Initiation Committee, to come a-calling.  However,  if I could influence you to do just one thing- please, don't throw your underwear onto our Adopt-a-Spot.

*The Son of Never Stops Eating and I have, on multiple occasions, picked up underwear from our Adopt-a-Spot.  We're both wondering who goes driving down the road at 35 MPH tossing underwear out of their vehicle windows onto the side of the road.

The Marsh Project Week #40

Wildlife Photography Lesson #1: Remember to check your camera before you leave home to make sure that the memory card is still in it.

Last Friday, March 1, was the first day of the year that the nature preserve was open until 7 PM.  Spring is supposed to be approaching, although you wouldn't know it from the current cloudy, windy, misty weather.  The weather conditions, however, were not as important as being able to stay out until dusk in one of my favorite places on the planet.  As soon as I got home from work and got a quick snack, I grabbed the camera and my backpack and rushed out to the trail.  

As I passed the gatehouse and drove down the road, I saw a bobcat cross the pavement.  As I got closer,  I could see that he was still standing close to the road on the trail.  This was a great start to the hike! I hadn't even gotten out of the car and the wildlife was already finding me!  I stopped, rolled down the window, turned on the camera, and got the message "No Memory Disk".  I'd probably left it at home in the computer.  Not to worry, I thought. I had another one in my backpack.  I grabbed it, put it in the camera, and looked up to see that the bobcat had decided to go on its way.

Lesson learned:  Check camera before leaving house.  Otherwise, this might be all you get.

I mentally beat myself up for the next hour.  I know better than this.  Grandpa of No's favorite advice was to never forget the 6P's- Proper Prior Planning Prevents Poor Performance. (When I got older, he stuck a 7th P in there, so it became Proper Prior Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance").   Chances were good that no matter what else I saw, I'd missed my chance to get at least a decent photo of a bobcat.   It didn't help that not much else was stirring, and what was stirring was hiding- I settled for taking a photo of a well-gnawed tree at the blind.  I was hoping that the gnawer of the tree would make an appearance, but that didn't happen.

I also found a neotropic cormorant standing on a tree.  Secondary lesson learned here: Check the bird guides before entering this bird into iNaturalist, because I get neotropic and double crested cormorants confused, and I picked the wrong one.  Last Friday was a day of reinforcing lessons I should already know; the Nature Gods must think I'm slacking off or something.

Even though I still had time, the light (or what light I had on a cloudy, cold day) was withdrawing.  I headed back to the trailhead, still mentally giving myself a tongue-lashing for forgetting the 7P's.  I get a lot of great observations, but I don't see a lot of bobcats.  As I turned to go back to the parking lot, I thought to myself that I still had a few minutes before the light got unworkable, so I wandered over to the riprap by the outlet works of the dam, and:

I stood and watched the bobcat as it walked on the riprap.  At one point it glanced up in my direction and turned to go back into the vegetation on the left side of the trail.  I stood still for a few seconds and it then turned back again and headed towards the river, where about ten great blue herons were standing in the water.  The bobcat sat at the river's edge, looking towards the water and the herons.  What its plans were I did not know, but I did know that it was time for me to head to the house.  The Nature Photography Gods had given me a second chance.