AAARRRROOOO Everyone!
This is Office Dog aka Cocoa The Mutt, reporting on life during COVID-19. A few months ago, I got quite the surprise when my human came home with a bunch of three ring binders in a box, a large gray rectangle, and a small black rectangle. She put them on the table and announced that she would be working from home for a few weeks, and- the best surprise EVER- that I could be her office dog!
This was really EXCITING news. A promotion! As a senior citizen dog, I feel like I have a lot of wisdom and insight to offer. I wasn't sure what my responsibilities would be, but I was definitely hoping that a pay increase in the form of MORE TREATS would be involved! I knew that there was a toilet paper shortage, which seemed to matter to the humans, but I was concerned about cheese and treats.
The next morning, the human woke up and sat at the kitchen table with the large gray rectangle and the small black rectangle and started working. After awhile, she got frustrated with something she called "the VPN". After some salty language directed at the defenseless large gray rectangle, she decided that it would be a good time to take a WALK! This Office Dog gig was off to a great start! It seemed that she did a lot of talking into the small black rectangle, and I was hoping that I could maybe also talk into the small black rectangle, but that didn't seem to be happening.
I've been a Family Dog for a long time, and most mornings my human would get up and leave the house after eating her English muffin and drinking a cup of coffee. Then she would disappear for several hours in the big machine that takes you to "THE VET", and then magically return at night. Now I would get to see what she did all day! This was exciting, and I was looking forward to sharing this information with the cats down the street, who seem to think that they know everything and that the world would be a better place if they were in charge. After the first day, however, I started to realize that what my human does all day is talk into the small black rectangle and type on the large gray rectangle and sometimes say things like "oh, s**t", or "SERIOUSLY?" or "I thought we already fixed that!" or "this Excel spreadsheet is driving me nuts!".
It's hard for Office Dog to tell time; it's either eating time or not eating time. However, after several eating times, it seemed like it had been a lot longer than "a few weeks". Sometimes the humans would talk about going to the store, and wearing a mask, and how they were getting "several days to the gallon" in the VET-MOBILE , and the younger human started doing school online, which was also something new and different. I was sometimes allowed to participate in school, which was FUN! I'm still not allowed to talk on the little black rectangle, which seems wrong because sometimes I feel like I could offer some valuable insight. For example, one day the human was talking about "not allowing a dog park in the five year development plan", and I wanted to go AARRRROOOOOO! UNFAIR! But it is really nice having all the humans home. It turns out I didn't need to be worried about a treat shortage, because I get a lot of those.
Unfortunately, I think that extra treat thing may be about to come to an end. The other day I heard the human say to one of the other humans that "Office Dog is looking a little chunky", and the other human sighed and said "yeah, she needs to lose a few pounds", and I just knew then that no matter how many times I went and sat by the refrigerator while looking cute, there would be fewer treats. AARRRRROOOOOOOOO! However, I still get plenty of scratches behind the ears, and I'm always a "good dog" except when I do this thing where I bark to come inside and then right away, I bark to go back outside, in which case, the humans will sound annoyed and say "Inside or outside, pick one!" But I like them both! Inside is air-conditioned, and outside has lots of great smells. How can you make a choice like that?
As Office Dog, I have experienced a lot of personal growth during this quarantine. For example, I have attended several mandatory workplace trainings, so I now know how to prevent sexual harassment and how to be secure while taking a work trip or using "the network". I also know that if you want to have a REALLY productive day you should drink a LOT of coffee. I've also learned that when a lot of people are on a WebEx meeting and people don't use the MUTE function it can be loud and difficult to understand the presenter. I just wish that my human would just once NOT use the MUTE function on the little black rectangle so that I can contribute my Office Dog wisdom. I also get a lot of WALKS! with all the humans home; the only improvement on that would be if I were allowed to investigate the bunnies that live in my yard, but I'm not. I am supposed to LEAVE THOSE RABBITS ALONE!
It looks like my Office Dog gig is going to continue, at least part-time. I'm happy about that, I like being an Office Dog. I liked going to school, too- but I think that the younger human is hoping that in the fall, he can go back to actual school because he misses his friends. It's hard not to be able to see your friends. However, I must close my report now because it is getting close to eating time, and I need to go into the kitchen and look sad so someone will give me some cheese.
Signed, OFFICE DOG
