MEMORANDUM
TO: OFFSPRING
FROM: YOUR MOTHER (Management)
SUBJECT: Christmas Wish Lists and Purchasing of Christmas Presents
1. Christmas wish lists are due to your mother on or before December 2, 2017 by close of business (4:30 PM). Failure to deliver lists by this time could possibly result in the following items being selected as your Christmas gifts: Socks, underwear, dictionaries, VHS tapes of Barney the Purple Dinosaur, and/or anything Disney Princess, or cookbooks and DVD's purchased at the local grocery store bargain table.
2. The following items cannot be funded at this time: Trips to Europe, new laptops, new cars and the Simpsons Lego Set. Management is willing to discuss a partial funding match on technology, especially technology that may be required for college academic work, although expenditure will likely not occur until after the start of calendar year 2018.
3. Requestor should insure that gift items are readily attainable, either online (preferred source is Amazon) or at a local store (Barnes and Noble, Kohl's, JC Penney, Best Buy, or locally owned shops and restaurants). Anything requiring travel beyond a 15 mile radius of the family residence will likely not be funded unless the household purchasing agent is traveling in that direction on other household business. It is acceptable to request gift cards and/or cash in lieu of items. Keep in mind that shopping is not a preferred Management activity, so anything requiring extreme shopping has a lower chance of being funded in this calendar year holiday giving cycle.
4. Management reserves the right to prioritize funding on a need over want basis. For example, a request for new pajamas may receive funding priority over a request for a new video game. Requests for books will receive strong consideration. Requests for items that require ongoing operation and maintenance (O&M) household funding will receive lower consideration (examples: toys requiring batteries, anything requiring new parts or supplies on an ongoing basis) unless requestor notes in gift request that they are willing to fund ongoing O&M themselves. Management is willing to guarantee that requestors will receive at least one wish, as long as request is reasonable and fits within budgetary constraints. Requestors may receive cash contributions toward a desired item if management deems that specified item is beyond management's current funding capabilities.
5. In addition to requesting gifts, you will also be expected to provide gifts for the other three human members of the household. The dog and the hamster are optional. When writing your own lists, be cognizant of the funding limitations of your sibling, and provide acceptable options that your sibling can consider within his or her budgetary constraints. In previous years, management has been willing to wrap these gifts for you. This year, management regrets that they will be unable to provide this service unless they receive a request for assistance at least a week before December 25, 2017.
6. Acceptable formats for Christmas wish lists include handwritten, e-mail, and typed lists printed on actual paper. If handwritten, be sure that writing is legible to management. Photos or detailed descriptions of obscure items that management may be unfamiliar with are appreciated and may facilitate purchasing of gifts. It is not necessary to address these lists to Santa Claus; we all know who Santa Claus really is.
7. As always, your cooperation is appreciated. Management looks forward to reviewing funding requests for Christmas 2017. Remember that your deadline is December 2, 2017 at 4:30 PM. Management is looking forward to a festive and enjoyable Christmas holiday season.
-signed-
Management
Thursday, November 23, 2017
Monday, November 20, 2017
Band Mom Gratitude
This is the week of Thanksgiving, and it is traditional during this time of year to ponder over and share thoughts on thankfulness and gratitude. At the same time, marching band is over- and for the Mom of No, it is really over because the Teenager has finished her high school marching band career. She's moving into concert season, and while I still apparently have some pies to sell and some concerts to attend, my Band Mom career is winding down.
So what's the connection between Thanksgiving and marching band?
First, I have to say that marching band is, honestly, a pain in the butt, especially if you are a marching band parent and you have to get up at o'dark thirty because to be early is to be on time and to be on time is to be late. When band practice starts in August, your car starts smelling like a gym on wheels. You're always getting hit up to volunteer for things, pay for things, show up to things- hard when you're an introvert who really just wants to sit and read a book-and go purchase items at the last minute. August is off limits for that family summer vacation. You sit through football games you're not really interested in when the wind is blowing or the brutal heat is giving you a ferocious headache or the drizzling rain is falling not so gently from the sky because, hey, your kid is in the marching band and it's a darn good show, so pay attention, people! Go buy your nachos when the third quarter of the game starts!
But I am really thankful that my kid decided to become a band kid.
While our school's marching band season ended with football season, other bands in the area advanced to finals in marching contests. Those bands received kudos on Facebook and elsewhere, and I felt a twinge of Mom angst for the band kids in our high school's marching band, who had a great show and worked hard but didn't make it as far. For what it's worth, kids, I know you worked hard, and (not that I am any kind of expert on marching band shows) your show was fantastic.
I am really thankful that The Teenager found a niche in high school, a place where she felt that she belonged, a group that she could contribute to and, as she became a seasoned band veteran, practice some leadership skills. She took it seriously; marching band was not to be trifled with. Sometimes I felt parental annoyance at the long hours spent at a football game or contest when it meant that she'd be coming home to more homework completed in the early morning hours. Somehow, she made it work, although from a parent's point of view the expectations sometimes seemed unrealistic. It's a life lesson: the situation might not always be ideal, but if this is what you want, you will have to find a way to make it work. It's a parent lesson too: as the kids get older, it gets harder to determine when and when not to intervene in their lives. They're not the only ones going through a life transition.
As a not-marching band person, I always watch with interest mixed up with amusement and a dash of pride when The Teenager meets other marching band people, regardless of age. Especially if they also played clarinet, there's always that immediate recognition of a bond shared through experience- the late nights, the early mornings, the long bus rides, the hours of practice, the brutal August heat. What instrument do you play? I play clarinet. I DID, TOO! I once had to cancel a doctor's appointment for her because of a band conflict. When I told the scheduler the reason, her tone of voice changed from annoyed to complete understanding. Oh, my daughter was in band, too, she said. I completely get it. Don't worry about it. Let's see how we can work her in the schedule.
So even though I did my share (and probably more) of complaining about early morning drop-offs and late night pickups, having to get band pies delivered before they defrosted, and summers cut short by that August 1 band practice start date, I'm starting to feel a little sad about it all ending. I'm glad The Teenager was part of it, the triumphs, the challenges, the disappointments, the long days and the later nights, the muscle aches and the sweat, the frustration, the thrills, the camaraderie, the friendships. Even more than being glad, however, I'm thankful that she had the experience. I suspect she's going to miss it; I suspect that I will, too.
So what's the connection between Thanksgiving and marching band?
First, I have to say that marching band is, honestly, a pain in the butt, especially if you are a marching band parent and you have to get up at o'dark thirty because to be early is to be on time and to be on time is to be late. When band practice starts in August, your car starts smelling like a gym on wheels. You're always getting hit up to volunteer for things, pay for things, show up to things- hard when you're an introvert who really just wants to sit and read a book-and go purchase items at the last minute. August is off limits for that family summer vacation. You sit through football games you're not really interested in when the wind is blowing or the brutal heat is giving you a ferocious headache or the drizzling rain is falling not so gently from the sky because, hey, your kid is in the marching band and it's a darn good show, so pay attention, people! Go buy your nachos when the third quarter of the game starts!
But I am really thankful that my kid decided to become a band kid.
While our school's marching band season ended with football season, other bands in the area advanced to finals in marching contests. Those bands received kudos on Facebook and elsewhere, and I felt a twinge of Mom angst for the band kids in our high school's marching band, who had a great show and worked hard but didn't make it as far. For what it's worth, kids, I know you worked hard, and (not that I am any kind of expert on marching band shows) your show was fantastic.
I am really thankful that The Teenager found a niche in high school, a place where she felt that she belonged, a group that she could contribute to and, as she became a seasoned band veteran, practice some leadership skills. She took it seriously; marching band was not to be trifled with. Sometimes I felt parental annoyance at the long hours spent at a football game or contest when it meant that she'd be coming home to more homework completed in the early morning hours. Somehow, she made it work, although from a parent's point of view the expectations sometimes seemed unrealistic. It's a life lesson: the situation might not always be ideal, but if this is what you want, you will have to find a way to make it work. It's a parent lesson too: as the kids get older, it gets harder to determine when and when not to intervene in their lives. They're not the only ones going through a life transition.
As a not-marching band person, I always watch with interest mixed up with amusement and a dash of pride when The Teenager meets other marching band people, regardless of age. Especially if they also played clarinet, there's always that immediate recognition of a bond shared through experience- the late nights, the early mornings, the long bus rides, the hours of practice, the brutal August heat. What instrument do you play? I play clarinet. I DID, TOO! I once had to cancel a doctor's appointment for her because of a band conflict. When I told the scheduler the reason, her tone of voice changed from annoyed to complete understanding. Oh, my daughter was in band, too, she said. I completely get it. Don't worry about it. Let's see how we can work her in the schedule.
So even though I did my share (and probably more) of complaining about early morning drop-offs and late night pickups, having to get band pies delivered before they defrosted, and summers cut short by that August 1 band practice start date, I'm starting to feel a little sad about it all ending. I'm glad The Teenager was part of it, the triumphs, the challenges, the disappointments, the long days and the later nights, the muscle aches and the sweat, the frustration, the thrills, the camaraderie, the friendships. Even more than being glad, however, I'm thankful that she had the experience. I suspect she's going to miss it; I suspect that I will, too.
Sunday, November 12, 2017
Change is Hard
Last week, the Mom of No's mobile device died.
It had been a lingering disaster in the making, as the battery life got shorter and shorter until finally the Smartphone of No was spending more time on the charger than off of it, and then finally it just decided that it was really just done with charging entirely. It was clear: the time had come to suck it up and get a new phone. Enforced change was coming.
Back in the ancient days Before Internet, one of the first things I had to do as a newly minted college graduate and contributor to society was set up phone and electricity accounts for my first grown-up apartment. This process involved making two phone calls and writing out two deposit checks. The big decision was whether or not I wanted call waiting. I probably could have gotten cable TV but since it was my own money being spent and I was feeling newly frugal, I decided I could probably live with the five free channels on offer.
Then cell phones and the Internet happened and "do you want call waiting?" turned into "iPhone or Android? Cable or satellite dish or some kind of internet related method that everyone (but you) seems to understand? How much data do you use per month? Do you stream videos? Do you want a hotspot for your house? How many devices do you have?".
Not only was I on some grandfathered data plan with my cell phone carrier, but I'd gotten an URGENT e-mail from our TV and internet provider informing me that our agreement with them was expiring and we needed to call IMMEDIATELY to find out what FANTASTIC deals we could get! Before the Dad of No and I could do that, we had to answer the bigger question, did we even want to stay with our current provider? The internet service had been OK, but the TV service, not so much. So what did we want to do? Cable? Satellite? Something about a "stick"? I made a sad attempt at research and gave up when I realized I was completely confused. I did what any self-respecting change-hater would do: I delegated the decision to the Dad of No under the premise that he watches more TV than I do, so he had more interest in the outcome.
Then all of a sudden I had this dying mobile phone, and I had to rapidly come to terms with the undisputable fact that more change was coming. I really just wanted the iPhone fairy to come to my house and slide a functioning phone under my pillow as I slept, kind of like the tooth fairy but for grownups, but that doesn't happen in real life, at least not to me.
The last time I'd gotten a new phone, the service provider had tried to talk me into a program in which you kept the phone for six months, and then you could get a new phone, but you didn't actually own the phone, so there was a "payment plan" added to the bill, but you could only get certain data plans if you signed up for this plan, and if you wanted to buy the phone then you had other data plans and they weren't as good as the first data plan, and after about five minutes I was really confused because no one actually would answer the most important question of all, which was, "How much is this actually going to cost? or the second most important question of all, which was "What happens when something happens to the not-paid for phone?".
But you can get an upgrade every SIX MONTHS! The representative kept telling me. Twice a year, you can have a NEW PHONE! I finally had to tell the enthusiastic young salesman that it takes me a year to figure out how to use the darn thing. The minute the words left my mouth I realized that was exactly something the Grandpa of No would say, which made me feel even older, because I really just wanted a phone that worked with a data plan I could understand and a price that made sense, and none of those things seemed to be happening for me. I know choice is supposed to be good but this was too much choice; I just wanted a phone!
So, feeling a sense of angst-ridden deja-vu, I ventured once again to the store of the mobile devices. As it turned out the process had been revised somewhat in the last five years so once we went through the whole thing of "Wow, this phone is a relic! I can't believe it was still working for you!" the whippersnapper saleslady was able to find me a plan with unlimited data and a discount on a TV plan that included the channel that has The Simpsons, all at a price I could live with, so I even managed to do the near impossible, which was to make everyone in the household happy at the same time.
Plus, now I have a phone that doesn't require a charge every five minutes, which I intend to keep for the next five years, because that is probably how long it will take me to figure out how it works.
It had been a lingering disaster in the making, as the battery life got shorter and shorter until finally the Smartphone of No was spending more time on the charger than off of it, and then finally it just decided that it was really just done with charging entirely. It was clear: the time had come to suck it up and get a new phone. Enforced change was coming.
Back in the ancient days Before Internet, one of the first things I had to do as a newly minted college graduate and contributor to society was set up phone and electricity accounts for my first grown-up apartment. This process involved making two phone calls and writing out two deposit checks. The big decision was whether or not I wanted call waiting. I probably could have gotten cable TV but since it was my own money being spent and I was feeling newly frugal, I decided I could probably live with the five free channels on offer.
Then cell phones and the Internet happened and "do you want call waiting?" turned into "iPhone or Android? Cable or satellite dish or some kind of internet related method that everyone (but you) seems to understand? How much data do you use per month? Do you stream videos? Do you want a hotspot for your house? How many devices do you have?".
Not only was I on some grandfathered data plan with my cell phone carrier, but I'd gotten an URGENT e-mail from our TV and internet provider informing me that our agreement with them was expiring and we needed to call IMMEDIATELY to find out what FANTASTIC deals we could get! Before the Dad of No and I could do that, we had to answer the bigger question, did we even want to stay with our current provider? The internet service had been OK, but the TV service, not so much. So what did we want to do? Cable? Satellite? Something about a "stick"? I made a sad attempt at research and gave up when I realized I was completely confused. I did what any self-respecting change-hater would do: I delegated the decision to the Dad of No under the premise that he watches more TV than I do, so he had more interest in the outcome.
Then all of a sudden I had this dying mobile phone, and I had to rapidly come to terms with the undisputable fact that more change was coming. I really just wanted the iPhone fairy to come to my house and slide a functioning phone under my pillow as I slept, kind of like the tooth fairy but for grownups, but that doesn't happen in real life, at least not to me.
The last time I'd gotten a new phone, the service provider had tried to talk me into a program in which you kept the phone for six months, and then you could get a new phone, but you didn't actually own the phone, so there was a "payment plan" added to the bill, but you could only get certain data plans if you signed up for this plan, and if you wanted to buy the phone then you had other data plans and they weren't as good as the first data plan, and after about five minutes I was really confused because no one actually would answer the most important question of all, which was, "How much is this actually going to cost? or the second most important question of all, which was "What happens when something happens to the not-paid for phone?".
But you can get an upgrade every SIX MONTHS! The representative kept telling me. Twice a year, you can have a NEW PHONE! I finally had to tell the enthusiastic young salesman that it takes me a year to figure out how to use the darn thing. The minute the words left my mouth I realized that was exactly something the Grandpa of No would say, which made me feel even older, because I really just wanted a phone that worked with a data plan I could understand and a price that made sense, and none of those things seemed to be happening for me. I know choice is supposed to be good but this was too much choice; I just wanted a phone!
So, feeling a sense of angst-ridden deja-vu, I ventured once again to the store of the mobile devices. As it turned out the process had been revised somewhat in the last five years so once we went through the whole thing of "Wow, this phone is a relic! I can't believe it was still working for you!" the whippersnapper saleslady was able to find me a plan with unlimited data and a discount on a TV plan that included the channel that has The Simpsons, all at a price I could live with, so I even managed to do the near impossible, which was to make everyone in the household happy at the same time.
Plus, now I have a phone that doesn't require a charge every five minutes, which I intend to keep for the next five years, because that is probably how long it will take me to figure out how it works.
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