Shopping Day

The Mom of No is in need of an adult beverage and a week on the beach.

The reason:  I took my on-the-autism-spectrum son shopping for winter clothes this morning.

Three things you need to know about my son before you can appreciate the situation I find myself in: (1) he won't wear anything that is not soft, and by soft I mean no tags, no itchy, no scratchy, no texture, no stiff fabrics, no waistband, no jeans, no khakis. (2) he cannot be bribed, incentivized, cajoled, or threatened. (3) he had a huge growth spurt over the summer and his hem of his pants from last year is now located right below his knees.

So off we go to the local branch of a national department store chain to do some exploratory shopping.  For years I have gotten away with boys' sweatpants at Target for winter, boys' shorts from Target in the summer, and shirts from the Lands End kids' catalog, but now he has outgrown the biggest sizes in all these and the Mom of No is in uncharted territory.  Oh, now I need to mention one more thing you should know: he hates change.  For months I tried to get rid of a beloved orange shirt he'd outgrown.  I'd put it in the Goodwill box; he'd go get it.  I'd take it back; he'd reclaim it.  He wore it every other day forever even though it was two sizes too small and full of holes; his teacher was probably convinced that he only had two shirts to his name. He had other shirts but they weren't the favorite shirt.

We walk around the store and I show him various styles and fabrics of pants. I pick out a pair of very soft khaki pants made out of some synthetic fabric and present them to him, sure of immediate victory.  I mean, these pants are like butter. I'm already mentally congratulating myself on a very lucky find. 

He feels them for a minute and just when I think I have him, he points to the mesh pockets.  "They're itchy!" he says.  "I don't like those pants".   I point out that he hasn't even tried them on. "I'm not trying them on! I know they're itchy!" he says, glaring at me.  Okay, back on the rack.

"How about jeans?" I ask.  He shakes his head furiously.  "I HATE JEANS!" he says, waving his arms around.  "JEANS ARE EVIL!". Ok then, no jeans.

I show him another kind of soft khaki pants but the waistband is set in.  He stands in front of me, arms crossed. "I HATE PANTS!" he declares. "NO PANTS! I just want to wear SHORTS!"

Now, at this point, you are thinking, just TELL him he has to wear what you pick out. Be The Mom of No! Lay down the law! Tell him to suck it up! Tell him it's a sad story!  I did that once, with an itchy shirt for a boys' organization that he was in, and let's just say that it did not go well.

Finally I pull out yet another pair of soft pants, with an elastic waistband, no mesh pockets.  He lifts his arms up to the sky and throws out his hands in front of him.  "NO!  I just want sweatpants.  None of these pants are SOFT".  His refusal is complete and final.  It's the showdown at the JC Penney Corral.  I resort to logic and reason- the only tool in the Mom toolbox left to me since bribery and cajolery have been proven ineffective time and time again.

But you've outgrown everything you have, I tell him.  You need to wear more than sweatpants.  You can't walk around naked. What are you going to wear when it starts getting really cold and it's not warm enough for shorts? 

He looks at me like I've given him a gift and I realize I've just walked into a trap.   He gets a look of glee in his eyes, starts jumping up and down, and says  "Yay! No clothes! NO SCHOOL! I can stay home FOREVER!". 

We are now heading off to the sporting goods store for sweatpants.