Under Pressure

The other day, I got an e-mail from the teenager with an attached graphic.  Immediately, the Mom Radar started pinging because I never get e-mail from the teenager; e-mail is so not Millennial. The attachment was a statement about stress and teenagers.  The summary of it was that teenagers are very stressed out.

The Enhanced Mom Subliminal Alert Code Red Teenager Situation alarm immediately started buzzing.  What was this, and why was the teenager sending it to me?  

I brought up the idea of teenager stress to a couple of my co-workers during a fire drill.  They all scoffed in disbelief.  Teenagers need to suck it up, they said. It only gets worse.  Wait until they get a job and have to pay bills.  As cranky as that sounds, they do have a legitimate point.  Unless you are extraordinarily lucky or extremely laid back, life will always contain stress.

I decided that the best course of action was to approach this situation head on, in best Band Mom tradition, by cornering the teenager in my vehicle on the way to a band activity.  We were going to have some one on one communication! Give me some insight, I asked her. What are teenagers so stressed out about?

She only had time for a brief answer:  Being a teenager is like being hit by a truck.  Everything gets you all at once.  No one listens to us. And we never get enough sleep.  Then it was time to be dropped off at the band hall.

While I sat and worked on my crochet granny square project that never ends, waiting for the concert to start, I mulled this over.  I'm not sure we do our kids favors in their younger years when we don't let them take risks and shelter them from experiencing failure.  It must be stressful to find out, after years of "Everyone gets a trophy!", to suddenly start being told "You must be the best at all times!".  I don't remember my own teenage years being so complicated.

This all happened at exactly the same time as course registration for the next school year. The high school course catalog the teenager brought home looks like something you'd get at a small college.  Planning their high school career resembles planning a four year degree program.   Just attempting to process the information made me feel like running off to a beach yoga resort somewhere with no cell phone service, and it's not even my academic career at stake.  No wonder teenagers are stressed out.

I don't want an overly stressed out kid.  I want her to enjoy high school and these last couple of years before adulthood kicks in.  But I also don't think I'd be helping her mature by being overly protective and accommodating. Stress happens.  Part of growing up is learning how to manage it. Some of us are still working hard at that even in middle age.  How do we, as parents of teenagers, know when to push and hover and when to let go? When to wake them up and when to let them sleep in?  I want her to succeed, but whose definition of success do we use, mine or hers?

I asked the teenager for her perspective.  Pay attention to us, she said.  Take us seriously.  Trust us. Talk to us about stuff.  And let us sleep.