Paperwork

Many opinions exist on what a parent's job is.  Among the most popular theories are: to support your kids, make sure they are fed and have a roof over their heads, teach them how to become independent adults and productive citizens, provide love and affection, and to dispense discipline when necessary.  These are all valid thoughts.  However, none of these answers tell the complete story. 

Your job, as a parent, is to do paperwork.

The paperwork starts the day your adorable newborn little boy or girl is placed into your arms, and it does not ever let up.  The amount of paperwork required increases exponentially as they get older. Everyone wants paperwork- daycare, the pediatrician, the orthodontist, the emergency room, sports leagues, scouts, summer camp, Sunday school.  Enrolling your child in public school involves reams of paperwork, to be repeated every year until your little darling graduates.  In the Mom of No's opinion, it is easier to buy a motor vehicle than it is to register your offspring for Girl Scout camp.

One would think that there would be some standardized paperwork form, but, alas, everyone has their own version.  Some organizations only want your name and phone number; others want a brief medical history, and some want to know everything about you and your child, including the date your offspring lost his or her first tooth and what unsuspecting "emergency contact" should be called in the event that your son decides to run into a chain link fence at school and require six stitches in his cheek on the same day you are on a flight to St. Louis and your husband is stuck in a six-mile long traffic jam that hasn't moved in four hours.   

Sometimes you are also required to fill out paperwork on yourself to become a volunteer.  Some of these forms ask questions like "list every address you've had in the last 50 years", or "Who was your best friend in kindergarten and do they tweet nice things or evil things about you?".

The Teenager is about to enroll in driver's education (I will gladly take donations for the insurance fund: let me know) and apparently this also involves paperwork.  I thought I had it all covered- Social Security card-check; official copy of the birth certificate- check; certificate of attendance for school- I don't have that, but how hard could that be to get? (famous last words, right)?  Then people started telling me horror stories about the paperwork involved to get the actual driver's license.  Apparently I need not only the deed to my house, but every medical record since she was born and a sworn statement from the obstetrician that delivered her.

Then the reports started coming in from friends whose offspring are applying for college.  Driver's license? they scoff.  That's nothing.  Just wait until you start filling out the financial aid paperwork.  You still have your income tax returns from 1998, right?  The W2's from your first job?

I think they're joking.  At least, I hope they're joking, although some part of me suspects that the truth is even more horrible than they are letting on.  Anyway, I hope the offspring realize what a struggle all this paperwork is.  At some point, I'm sure I'll get my revenge:  I'm sure the old folks' home requires at least a 1 inch binder full of paperwork before they'll let me through the door.