Shopping

On New Year's Day, while most people were recovering from hangovers, watching football, or sleeping (or some combination of the above), I was subjecting myself to torture.  I was at the mall with the teenager, looking for a dress to wear to upcoming school events.  It wasn't spending time with my offspring that was torture; it was the act of shopping itself.  I find shopping for apparel frustrating because of the following challenges that must be overcome:

I hate to shop. I'd rather be hiking or reading a book.
The teenager hates to shop.
Any garment chosen has to be reasonably priced.
The item under consideration cannot be poorly constructed.
If for the offspring, it must comply with the school dress code.
The individual for whom it is intended should be willing to wear it.
It should actually fit.

There is probably in existence one dress in the entire state that meets all of those criteria, and it's in a mall in some other city hours away.  I know where that dress isn't, and those are the stores that we went to on New Year's Day.  I have no talent or ability for shopping.  I want the clothes to magically appear in my house ready to be worn.  If a genie came out of a bottle and gave me three wishes, that would be one. (the second would be for world peace and I'm undecided on the third). But no genie has appeared so I am on my own. It is a sad story.   For 13 years, I had a job that required me to wear a uniform and it was heaven on Earth; I didn't realize how great it was until I got promoted and started wearing regular clothes. 

I've also learned my lesson about buying items sight unseen, or trying to cajole either of my offspring into wearing something.  The Son of Never Stops Eating will wear only soft clothing, and my daughter once informed me on Easter Sunday, about 2 minutes before leaving for church, that her new shoes were too tight and that she'd said that they fit only so that we'd stop shopping and go to the park.

The Grandma of No was a magnificent seamstress, and she taught me how to sew.  When I'd go shopping with her, she'd pull out a shirt and point out all the mistakes- those buttonholes are fraying! The plaids don't match up! the seam is wrong! So now I do it too. Even though I have no intention of going home and actually sewing anything, I still think, wow, I could do this better, even though it would probably also take me two years and I'd do a lot of cussing and maybe some throwing of breakable objects.

It also seems like the teenager clothing designers have no idea that there is any kind of school dress code, or they don't care.  I know that dress codes can be controversial.  The Mom of No can only stir so many pots at one time, so even though I think that girls have a greater chance of non-compliance because girls' clothing is more complicated, and I think that is unfair, I don't want to get a call at work that the teenager needs different clothes or she'll miss an important test.  Also, at the risk of sounding cranky, everything is ugly.  And I grew up in the 80's- the decade of neon jumpsuits, cut up sweatshirts, and leg warmers.  You would think that anything would be an improvement over neon cut-up sweatshirts, but I'm not so sure.

Sometimes I wonder if there is some secret source of attractive, inexpensive, well-made, dress-code compliant source of clothing that every other mother knows about that I am completely unaware of.  If you know of such a place, please tell me. You know, a place where your fairy godmother waves a magic wand and everything is in your size, with your favorite colors, perfectly coordinated.

I also hate to mention this, but while we were in the stores, we saw the winter coats on sale (50% off!) and, immediately next to them- prepare yourselves- were the bathing suits.  Just what you want to see right after the indulgences of December, right?  Run for the hills; it's now apparently bathing suit shopping season.