Mom Advice

Now that my kids are both teenagers and the childhood years are behind us, and since I've become aware that a few of my acquaintances (who are much younger than me) are expecting, I feel compelled to offer advice about the whole Mom thing.  I'm not saying it's good advice, and you definitely shouldn't take it if you're not feeling the love, but it's now out there if you want it. 

When my kids were much younger, I got caught up in that whole working vs stay home mother argument, which really needs to just go away.  The Dad of No stayed home while I worked and people thought that was an unusual arrangement but that is how it was and both the kids survived and they actually show signs that they might grow up and become productive citizens.  So my advice is just ignore that whole topic, whether you stay home or go to work.  I honestly wish I'd spent less time debating it with strangers on discussion boards and more time hiking in the woods.

You should always carry a sanitary napkin in your purse.  When the Son of Never Stops Eating was a toddler, he got bitten by a squirrel at the city zoo.  When they found out it was just a local squirrel and not an actual zoo animal, the zoo personnel handed me a first aid kit with six little bandages and some gauze (you'd think a zoo would have a better first aid kit, but I guess that was considered a non-essential item on the annual budget). Since his hand was gushing blood, the bandaids weren't going to cut it.  I wrapped that sanitary napkin on his hand with some gauze, and the blood was absorbed until we got to the ER.  The ER doctor was really impressed with my resourcefulness.

Do not have high standards for car cleanliness.  When your baby is a cute newborn, you'll make a promise to yourself that you will never let your kids eat or drink in your car, and then one day your 7 year old will start complaining that she's thirsty, you'll stop and get her chocolate milk, and since you're in a hurry you let her drink it in the car and she spills it.  Three years later, people will be getting in your car and they'll wrinkle their nose and say, hey, did you spill some milk in here?

If you set a consequence for an action, make sure you're prepared to follow through.  It sucks to tell your kids, hey, if you don't pick up your toys we're not going to the park to meet your friends- and then have them not pick up the toys, because then guess who isn't going to the park?  Pick a consequence that hurts them but not you. 

Don't buy any 0-3 month baby clothes.  People will give you a bunch, and the baby outgrows them three days after birth.

The great wheel of karma frowns on people who do not RSVP for birthday parties.

Buy a house across the street from the elementary school.  Car pickup lines are vicious. 

When they're new and tiny and wrinkly, it seems like you have forever- and then one day, which comes faster than you'd think, you realize that they're taller than you, they are champion eye rollers with sass and attitude, your auto insurance is about to triple, and that you haven't changed a diaper in years.  On the night of my son's 13th birthday, we took him out to eat.  At the table next to us was a family with a 6 week old baby girl.  My son kept looking at her, and finally he asked, was I ever that little?  And I thought,  yeah, you were- and it seems like just two weeks ago, not 13 years ago.

Always have a plan B (and C).  Always carry toilet paper in the car (don't ask). Don't worry about other people staring at you when the kid has a meltdown over M&M's at Target even though you explained to her seven times before getting out of the car that there were going to be no M&M's.  Go to the park a lot. Don't freak out when your toddler eats dog food (both kids lived).  When people ask you what your kid wants for Christmas, tell them, "books". If you don't flip out, they won't flip out. A lot of parenting is just trial and error.  Go forth and have fun.