Just Go

The teenagers are out on Spring Break, so today I took a day off work and we went on a short road trip to a wildlife refuge I'd never been to, which is absolutely the Mom of No's idea of a great spring break activity.  We had fun, even though it started raining the second we hit the trail.  We did some hiking and some bird watching, and then went back to the visitor center to eat our lunch and dry off. At one point, I left the teenagers alone while I went to put the cooler back in the car, and when I came back in, my son was showing one of the volunteers his latest LEGO creation and having a perfectly competent conversation with an adult, something I once thought would never happen.

When I experience moments like that, sometimes I have flashbacks, because it wasn't always this easy.  When I hear parents of young children on the autism spectrum talk about the difficulties of going out in public, that was me, years ago.  Outings did not always go well.  We got the stares and the comments, and on occasion, worse. 

I once had a man cuss me out and call my son "retarded" because he didn't want my son near his children.  I had taken the kids to a bounce house place so they could be entertained while I studied for a graduate class I was taking, and my son had misinterpreted some of the social cues of the other kids.  It happens, and I had told the man I'd take care of it, but that wasn't good enough.  He even informed me that if my husband had been there, they'd be having words in the parking lot. So yeah, not a successful outing.

It hurts to be on the receiving end of mean people.  It makes you not ever want to go anywhere, ever again.  Except, I had another kid.  And I wanted to leave the house.  And I needed my son to learn how to function in the world. Staying home was not an option. So we kept going. 

Some experiences were more successful than others. We had conversations about not tossing toy cars off the second story balcony of the library, for example. But some experiences went surprising well.  He fit right in as a hockey fan, and he discovered some favorite paintings at the art museum.

As he becomes more comfortable talking to people he doesn't know, we have had some interesting conversations about social conventions: Don't ask adults how old they are.  Don't ask the (teenaged) checkout clerk at the sporting goods store how many kids he has.  Don't ask people you have just met if they like or dislike certain political candidates.  Meanwhile, internally, part of me is rejoicing that he's having conversations with people who aren't related to him and that he's willing and able to speak up for himself. Success!

The Mom of No is not in the advice-giving business, which is probably a good thing.  However, when I see parents of young kids on the spectrum, I want to tell them, just go.  Get outside. Leave the house.  Try new things. Sometimes (often, at first) it will not go well.  People might be nasty. You may have to leave earlier than you planned. You will cry.  Some experiences will be unmitigated failures.  But go anyway.  You will have good surprises.  For every hater, there are plenty of kind people.  My son's life is full of people he likes and who like him, people we met because I took a deep breath, walked out the back door, got in the car, and went.