As a child, I was required by my parents to attend religious education classes once a week. I was a kid who much preferred being outside, and I spent most of the instructional time dreaming of a world where kids could roam freely in the great outdoors, pretending to be intrepid explorers of a new world or building dams across streams and getting extremely muddy. Therefore, much of the religious doctrine that was intended for my developing brain never made it to its destination.
Despite my daydreaming, however, a few nuggets of knowledge actually got through and took hold. For example, I can tell you the difference between a sin of commission and a sin of omission, and that there are seven deadly sins (sloth, greed, wrath, envy, gluttony, pride and lust*).
I can also tell you how to make an honest apology. An apology consists of three steps: One, admit that whatever you did was wrong and hurtful. Two, make amends to the person or people who were wronged. Three, resolve never to commit that offense again.
As a kid, I had ample opportunity to practice this skill. Dear Mom, I am sorry that I broke your figurine that Grandma gave you a long time ago. I should not have been playing Frisbee in the house. I will try to glue this one back together, or buy a new one. I will only play Frisbee outside from now on.
Here is what did not fly when I was growing up, and what does not work in my own house now: justifying a wrongdoing by saying that someone else did something worse. If you are a parent, you've probably run into this one at least a couple of times: What do you mean I'm in trouble because I didn't do the chores you asked me to do? At least I didn't get sent to the principal's office at school! (This is often followed by (1) the exclamation of "It's not fair", and (2) the statement of "You are the meanest mother EVER in the whole history of the world!").
Sometimes people will attempt an apology that is really a not-apology by saying something like "I'm sorry that you felt unwelcome", or trying to place the fault back onto the person who was wronged in the commission of the offense, as in "I'm sorry that you were hurt, but honestly, you need to just lighten up". Neither one of these is a legit apology. A better apology would be: "We should have made better efforts to include everyone. I am so sorry; would you like to have coffee with us next week?".
As a woman, I've heard the non-apology more times than I care to think about. "I'm sorry that you don't like hearing women referred to as (insert derogatory term here). Maybe you need to get a thicker skin/stop taking everything so seriously/just learn to ignore it".
It can be really hard to admit when you are wrong, and even an honest apology often doesn't make relationships whole (or fix broken figurines). I know that it's hard for me to do, although I also know that when I know that I have messed something up, I feel extremely guilty until I finally get the courage up to make that honest apology. I also have much respect for other people who apologize honestly, own their mistakes, and try to make things right, because I know that it's not easy to admit you screwed up. Since we are all human, despite our individual social status or income level, it's a skill we can all work on.
*Although I asked, I did not receive a satisfactory answer on what lust was in class. I had to look it up in the dictionary. I was that kind of annoying kid.
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