Candy Angst

Have I ever told you that I have a tendency to overthink things?

I was at the grocery store doing the usual grocery shopping, and realized that Halloween is only two weeks away, so it would probably be a good idea to buy some Halloween candy. Most normal people probably just grab a few bags of whatever happens to be on sale or whatever happens to be within reach and toss them in the cart, but I have Halloween candy decision making angst.

The first question that I have to answer is "Do I want to buy the candy that I like, or do I want to buy the candy that I don't like?".  If I buy the candy I like, then chances are good that I might open the pantry door the next day and think, "Hey, I'll just help myself to a couple of these Mini Snickers." and before I know it, we'll be out of candy and I'll be making snarky comments about how the dryer keeps shrinking my clothes. 

If I buy the candy I don't like, then we will get not a single Trick or Treater, and I'll be stuck with Halloween candy I don't actually want.  The last time that happened, I took the leftover candy to work and it turned out that all my co-workers were on diets or didn't like candy with nuts or just had dental surgery and all the candy sat on the break room table for weeks until it mysteriously disappeared.

The second question that I have to answer is "How much candy do I actually want to buy?".  When I stock up on candy, anticipating massive amounts of Trick or Treaters bravely coming to the door of my spooky lair,  almost no one comes.  I'm reduced to standing on the sidewalk waving down cars, yelling "It's Halloween! Don't you want some candy? Please stop! I need you to take this candy!". 

When I buy just one bag of candy, the deluge of kids starts early and never lets up.  For some reason, kids don't go for the idea of "Hey, how about I give you a Halloween candy I.O.U and you can come back tomorrow and I'll give you twice the amount of candy I would have given you tonight! It's a win-win, right?".  Meanwhile the Dad of No is rummaging around in the pantry for something candy-like to give out and coming up with things like candy canes from the previous Christmas that were supposed to have been used to make reindeer tree ornaments, or the canned beets that I bought to put in a salad six months ago because I'd heard somewhere that beets are healthy and you should eat more of them. 

I can just see the kid lucky enough to get those candy canes or beets going back to his or her house after Trick or Treat is over and presenting his candy to his parents for inspection and payment of the parental Candy Tax, only to have them exclaim to each other in amazement, "Who gives out candy canes and canned beets for Halloween?".  Then they'd post a selfie of them with the can of beets on social media, and my identity would somehow come to light. I'd end up as the infamous Beet Lady, scorned across the nation.  No, raiding the pantry is too risky these days.

I know that in the past, I've had other parents tell me that they've re-gifted their own kids' candy to other Trick or Treaters, but I know I can't get away with that because my kids know how to count, and they both know exactly how many Reese's Peanut Butter cups and Twizzlers they are supposed to have.  They even get possessive over the candy I know they aren't going to eat.  I've heard stories (probably from the Grandpa of No, reminiscing about the good old days) about running out of candy and then using change from the kitchen change jar, which at first sounds like a good idea, and then I realize that I don't actually have a change jar.

Finally, after standing in the candy aisle for awhile, a store employee comes by and asks if I need any help.  No, I tell him.  I just need to buy some Halloween candy.  He gives me this look that says "You're standing in the candy aisle; how hard can that be?"  and walks away, and I realize that I am definitely overthinking this whole candy thing, and I toss a few bags of something that looks candy-like in the cart and move on. 

I'm still not sure what I bought because I took the bag the candy was in and tossed it way back in the pantry behind the dog food container in the hopes that hungry teenagers won't find it before October 31. I think it was actually Halloween candy that I bought. However, if you do happen to get candy canes this year, those are fresh and not from last Christmas.  I promise.