The Mom Loan

The other night I was sitting at the kitchen table paying bills, and the Son of Never Stops Eating came up to me.  You're my favorite Mom, he told me. You are pretty and beautiful!  They should have a Mom Appreciation Day just for you!

When he starts with the flattery, I know that he wants something. 

Me: What do you want?
Son: A dollar for Oreo cookies.
Me: We have Oreos in the pantry. You can have those for free.
Son: I want to buy some at school.
Me: Why? Are those better in some way?
Son: (rolling eyes) Mom! Can I have a dollar? Yes or no?

I'm not really clear on what the deal was with the Oreos, but I handed over the cash, because compared to the school photos I had just finished paying for, and the yearbook I had just ordered, a dollar was nothing.  He had probably been observing me for hours while I muttered under my breath about how that yearbook better be printed on gold leaf paper, trying to figure out just the right strategic moment to ask me for that dollar.

I once tried telling my kids that once they turned 18 they had to start reimbursing the Dad of No and I for all the money that we'd spent on their childhood.  Since the day they were born, I'd been keeping records of all the money I had spent on diapers, toys, clothing, preschool tuition, dance lessons, tap shoes, softball fees, field trips, yearbooks, cookie dough fundraisers, food, electricity, water, all the gas I spent driving them places, wear and tear on our vehicles, water park season passes- all of it.  That was how it worked. 

Because I am a gracious and benevolent parent, I would not actually charge them for Christmas gifts, Easter candy, their share of the family health insurance premiums, or family vacations.

However, I am definitely getting reimbursed for that clarinet.

For a minute, they looked a little stricken. I was going to get away with it! This was exciting! I could finally think about retiring before I turned 90! Never mind that I actually have no idea just how much I've spent on my little darlings, although I know it's a lot.  Just the other day I spent over $100 at the grocery store, and that was only buying stuff that "we just ran out of", not the regular weekly food shopping.

Then one of them said, Mom, you're making that up, and the other one said, Mom, that's not fair! We didn't ask to be born! Darn teenagers, too smart for their own good.

It would be interesting if it actually worked that way.  Then when the offspring hit you up for something, like a $149.99 Lego City Police Station, and it had to be bought that very minute because it was on sale at Amazon and there were only three left, and who knows when they might get more, then you could say, "Are you sure you really want that? Because I'm putting that on your account.  With interest, when you turn 18, you'll have to pay me back $201.98. Still want me to place the order?"

Actually, he'd probably still say yes, because he's a fanatic about his Legos.  I should probably just stick to the just as effective parental deflection tactic called "Put that on your Christmas wish list and maybe you'll get it".

Just for the record, I have no intention of sending my kids a bill on their 18th birthday.  I just like to mess with their minds a little bit from time to time.  Given all the money I've spent on shoes that were outgrown in two months and gas spent driving to softball tournaments an hour away, I think my kids are getting off cheap.