School Photos

Now that the kids are back to school, it is time for one of my favorite back-to-school rituals: the ordering of the annual school pictures. If you are thinking that I am being slightly sarcastic, you would be correct in that assumption.

One of my failures as a parent is that I have not kept a very good professional photographic record of my kids' growing up.  I'm sure that I'll regret that inadequacy at some point in my life, but I did start with good intentions.  When the Teenager was a baby, I signed up for the Portrait Club at a local department store.  For a small annual membership fee, I could bring her in for sittings and receive all kinds of discounts.  It was a deal a sleep-deprived new mother could not refuse.  

Then the Son of Never Stops Eating was born, and I had two small children who needed portraits.  That meant actually coordinating outfits, and finding the time to go and get the pictures done that didn't interfere with the nap schedule or the feeding schedule, and then if one of them cooperated the other didn't, and after the session where one wouldn't stop crying and the other wouldn't stop throwing plastic Easter eggs across the room, I just gave up.

A year or so later, they both started school. At first, the school picture ritual was a gift from above.  I didn't have to feel guilty about my failure to photograph; the elementary school would do it for me!  What I failed to realize at the time was that this made the keeping of our family memories dependent on the whims of the school photography company.

When I received the order form, which had to be completed before the pictures were taken, I realized that this was not exactly the boon I had originally thought, because the package that I needed was not one of the packages that was on offer.  I could either get the frugal package, which had none of the sizes I wanted, or the millionaire package, for which I would fork over half my paycheck and receive three pictures I wanted and a hundred that I didn't need.

I soon realized was that the school photo ordering process was uniquely designed by medieval torture masters to create parental aggravation right when you don't need it because school has just started and you have a million other forms to fill out.

This year, the ordering process has apparently transitioned to online only, or at least that was the conclusion I reached after I received an e-mail from the Teenager's school announcing that the pictures were being taken soon, and here's the link to order!  When I asked the Teenager for the paper order form, I received the blank stare of adolescence, so off to the computer I went.

I soon realized that this would not be a quick and easy process.  The package I normally buy- the Ebenezer Scrooge Package (otherwise known as the "entry level package", for $12) plus one 8 X 10 add on- was not actually possible anymore.  I could either create my own package or buy theirs, but either way, I was either going to pay more or not get what I wanted.

The family mutt immediately sensed things were not going well; she got up and hid under a bed.

You know, the Dad of No, said, you don't have to order these pictures. Just take some with your phone.

I have to order these pictures! I nearly yelled.  It's tradition! It's required! If I don't order them this year, I won't have a complete set!

He wisely fled into another room. 

I was asked to make a lot of choices: Did I want a blackboard background, or a faux fall forest? Retouching? My child's name and grade engraved on the photo?  No! I screamed at the computer. I just want pictures to magically appear in my teenager's backpack! That option, however, was the only one not available.

I finally finished the ordering process and forked over my money. I still have one kid to go, so the process will be repeated in a couple of weeks.  Meanwhile, I'm off to eat a lot of chocolate and to remind the Teenager that for the price I paid, she better smile when the pictures are taken.