Future Fears

This week, I lost something.  I'm not sure if I'll be able to find it again.

Up until this week, I admit, I have been focused on preparing my son for adulthood, for living in the community, for independence.  I haven't given a considerable amount of thought to whether or not society is ready for him; I had, perhaps naively, assumed that most people would be supportive and understanding of an adult individual with special needs.  Now I am not so sure.

Perhaps part of my error was that I have been thinking of him as a kid.  It's normal for a child to operate with no filter; people often think it's adorable when a child says something completely blunt and honest. It's normal for a child to walk around with a favorite toy.  However, this week, I was standing next to my son while we were looking in a mirror; he's obviously taller than I am.  He's not shaving yet, but his voice is changing.  In a few years he will look like a man, but developmentally, he will probably still be carrying around his Lego toy, checking out his favorite hamster book from the children's section in the library and operating with no filter. 

If you're not familiar with autism, one trait is that individuals may become fixated on certain things: TV shows, dinosaurs, astronomy, train schedules.  This is true for my son.  For a long time, he was fixated on power lines and road signs.  An orange street sign sighting was cause for great excitement, which actually worked well because we live in a perpetual road construction zone. Every trip was filled with joy .  His current fixations include the show "The Loud House", his next LEGO acquisition, his hamster, and his dislike for a certain orange-toned national public figure.

Since he has no filter, he might bring this up with anyone, at any time.  Normally, I don't worry too much about his obsessions,  but given the political environment right now, I have serious mom angst about this particular one. I've had conversations with him about this subject, which I suspect leave him confused. He has the right to his opinion, but I'm not sure these days that I trust the self-control of other people.  In the volatile climate we live in right now, I am not certain that it is safe for a 13 year old autistic adolescent with no filter to voice political opinions.

About 100% percent of the time, he carries around a toy- usually a LEGO vehicle he's built himself.  It is often a great conversation starter; even neurotypical adults like LEGOS, or if they don't, they're great at faking interest. I had not given it much consideration until this week when there was an incident in Florida involving the shooting of a caregiver who was trying to help an autistic adult; someone had misread the situation and thought that the autistic adult had a gun.

That autistic individual was carrying a toy. 

I felt slightly nauseated and dizzy when I read it.  I could absolutely imagine someone seeing my son, as an adult, carrying a toy and other people making an incorrect assumption about what it was and what he was doing with it.  After all, what adult man carries around a LEGO fire truck with him wherever he goes?

My point here is not the suitability of the orange-toned candidate, or how the incident in Florida went down, or even that we can apparently no longer have rational conversations about controversial subjects.  My point is that I am afraid for my adolescent son, well on his way to manhood, in a world that operates under rules he doesn't fully understand.  I'm afraid about the assumptions people will make when he speaks, when they see a fully grown man in the children's area at the library, when he walks around with his newest LEGO creation in his hands.  I'm afraid that one day something will happen to him because someone came to the wrong conclusion.

This week, I lost my confidence in the idea that the community was ready for my son. I had always been more concerned that he was not ready for the community.  Now, I wonder if I've always had it backwards.