Mother's Day Cards

This past weekend, I went out to buy my mother a Mother's Day card.  Since she has Alzheimer's, she probably won't know that it's Mother's Day, and my father will probably have to remind her that she has children who are grown up and have their own children.  However, I still send her a card because she's my mom and I love her.

The cards were all frilly and sweet, with pretty pictures of flowers and hearts and lovely poems inside.  I bought my mother one of those cards.  But then I started thinking about how funny it would be if Mother's Day cards reflected reality.  For example:

Dear Mom, thank you for not killing me when I was three and flushed four Hot Wheels down the toilet on Thanksgiving to see what would happen, and the plumber had to come.  Happy Mother's Day!

Dear Mom, even though you replaced my dead hamster with a live hamster while I was at school and then pretended surprise when I asked why my hamster all of a sudden had red eyes instead of brown ones, you are still the greatest mom ever. 

Dear Mom, I am still amazed at how you were able to drive to the emergency room with one hand and with the other hand hold a towel over my brother's chin after he split it on the faucet in the bathtub so he wouldn't bleed all over your car. May this Mother's Day be emergency-free!

Dear Mom, even though you said one dog was enough and under no circumstances could I have a snake as a pet, you are still the best mom ever and now that I have my own kids, I completely understand and agree.  Happy Mother's Day!

Dear Mom, you are the best at sneaking candy into the movie theater in your purse. Love you!

Dear Mom, I don't know how you did it, but you always knew we were in trouble at school even before we walked in the door. Thanks for letting us live!

Dear Mom, to this day I do not know how you always knew I was faking being sick on test days, and I admire that about you.  Have a great Mother's Day!

Dear Mom, even though I know you were saying the Lord's Prayer non-stop under your breath every time I drove the car the first six months I had my driver's license, I think you are the best Mom ever!

Dear Mom, thank you for all the hours you spent in the car driving to the orthodontist, softball practice, band contests, Girl Scout camp, play dates, the mall, swim meets, babysitting gigs, birthday parties, and the library.  Double thank you for the time you went back to the rest stop in Oklahoma after I realized I'd left my blankie there way back when I was two. You are the best mom ever!

Dear Mom, one of my fondest memories of childhood is you telling me "I'm not doing your homework for you.  I already finished school."  I love you! Happy Mother's Day!

Dear Mom, I learned so much from you, including "a brownie for breakfast is better than no breakfast at all" and "the best parking space in summer is the one under a tree".  Thank you for your love and wisdom.  Happy Mother's Day!

Dear Mom, thank you for volunteering and joining the PTA when I was in grade school, even though I know now that you really wanted to be reading a book in bed while eating a big bowl of chocolate ice cream. I appreciate everything you did for me.  Love always and Happy Mother's Day!

Dear Mom, thank you for not killing me after I spent thirty minutes yelling "I WANT MCDONALDS" at the top of my lungs while we were driving to Grandma's house that one time.  You are my heroine. I love you!

Dear Mom, even though you had to be talked into it, and you knew nothing about soccer, and we lost every game we played, you were still the best soccer coach ever!  Happy Mother's Day!

Dear Mom, thank you for working in the marching band concession stand for four football seasons and waking up at 1 AM to pick me up from away games.  You rocked band mom! Happy Mother's Day!

Dear Mom, even though it didn't quite turn out like the cakes on Pinterest, thank you for attempting a 3-D princess cake for my 6th birthday. Even though it looked more like Barbie being strangled by pink snakes, it tasted great and that is what is really important! Happy Mother's Day!

So tell me, what do you think? Should I get my business plan ready?