People Pleaser

The Mom of No is having angst. 

So this is the story: on Sunday at church part of the sermon had to do with people pleasing and why this might not be a good thing.  The Mom of No was sitting and listening attentively, as she always does, and not thinking about the grocery store or work or lunch or anything else. Nope, listening attentively, and thinking that I had this covered:  an inability to say no to things even when saying no is a good choice is one of the three characteristics of people pleasers, and I am, after all, The Mom of No.  

And then later I had a conversation with my teenager about people pleasing and I asked her, do you think I am a people pleaser?  And without hesitation she says “Yes”.   

WHAT? How could this be? I don’t want to be a people pleaser! I had just heard that it was a bad thing!  The whole basis of the Mom of No identity is that she doesn’t care what people think! I could feel my entire being begin to crumble. Here I’d set up this whole blog and Facebook page and thinking about T-shirts and now I would have to rename it all the Mom of Yes! But I don’t want to be the Mom of Yes!   

But-and this is really hard to admit- maybe my teenager is right.  Maybe I am kind of a people pleaser.  Sometimes. Not all the time. Part of my people pleaser issue, I think, is that I tend to feel responsible for others’ problems even when they are not necessarily my problems.  When I did that Strengths-finder assessment for work a few years ago, “responsibility” was my #1 strength. (You know what was at the bottom? Empathy.  I am lacking in empathy. According to that assessment, I feel responsible for your problem, but I don’t feel your pain about the problem.  I’m not quite sure what that means about me as a human being…but I digress). Since I feel responsible, sometimes I might say yes when what I’m really thinking is “I don’t really want to work the concession stand for the band even though no one has signed up- I want to go home and study my “Dragonflies and Damselflies Field Guide of North America” and take a nap”.  

And then there is also this: as a teenager the Mom of No was awkward and introverted and lacking in understanding of the nuances of teenage social norms, and as a result had few friends.  So I have some residual angst when I put myself on the line (like this blog, for example). What if people hate it? Then they’ll despise me! Sometimes I write things on Facebook or even this blog and then delete them, because I worry that what I have written may meet with disapproval of some kind.  Then I have angst about that, because I’m always telling the offspring if someone disagrees with you and they stop being your friend, they weren’t your friend to begin with- and here I am, editing myself, which actually makes me a hypocrite because I’m telling the teenagers one thing and doing another.  I should have the courage to speak out more, but sometimes the Mom of No is the Mom of Wuss.  

Clearly this people pleaser subject requires more soul searching and self-assessment. One aspect of my son’s autism is that he’s so authentically himself that I don’t think people pleasing is an issue for him, but I want to be a good role model for him and for the teenager.   

Meanwhile, I am adding to my routine a short ritual: every morning, I will look in the mirror and say “I am the MOM OF NO! And I am PROUD! And I will NOT BE A WUSS!” 

Unless you think that is a bit weird?