Not Good Memories

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." -Maya Angelou

When the Mom of No was the adolescent of awkward, I was not the most popular student in school.  We'll just say that teenage social skills were not a strength.  For several years, I was tormented by a group of girls at school.  As we got older, the torment morphed into indifference, which came as a relief.  After graduation, I went on with my life- although I won't be going to any class reunions (I'd rather have a root canal- and it is known that the Mom of No is a dental-phobe), I don't usually think of or reflect upon that time in my life.

A few years ago I was on the prowl for recipes for a dish using green chilies, of which I had an abundance at the time, and I came across a food blog written by a woman whose name sounded uncomfortably familiar.  A bit of research revealed that she was one of my old tormentors, now a foodie living in a different state.  I had a few days of flashback agony, and then the demands of my current life took precedence once again.

A few days ago I was engaged in one of my favorite activities- hanging out at the library and looking at books- and I came across her cookbook.  I knew that she had written a book, but seeing it in my own library felt like a betrayal. I felt dizzy and nauseated.  I can no longer tell you specifically anything that this girl said or did, but I remember clearly how badly I felt about myself because of her and her friends, and, how for a long while,  I was unsure of myself and distrustful of the motives of others.  I had a fantasy, as a kid, of growing up and finding out that my tormentors had lives filled with angst and suffering while I had achieved great deeds. My fantasy was, at that moment, completely uprooted. My former bully had gone on and become a success.  The great wheel of Karma was NOT WORKING! The great wheel of Karma had BETRAYED ME!

If I could have taken that book and burned it in that moment, I would have.  I had a momentary urge to rip the pages out of that book, or scrawl all over it "DO NOT READ THIS COOKBOOK! THE AUTHOR IS THE BRIDE OF SATAN!". I wanted to check it out of the library and take it outside, then run over it with my car in the parking lot while screaming, "EAT THIS, YOU (insert profanity here).  And then, of course, my law abiding citizen instincts took over.  Besides, even if I did that, I would feel better for a few minutes and then feel even worse because (1) I don't believe in destroying books, even ones I have a personal vendetta against, and (2), I'd be in jail for destroying public property and banned from the library for life.  I was even tempted to go home and write a really nasty review of her book on Amazon and tell the world that she was a middle school bully- but that urge passed after a moment. It just seemed wrong, for many reasons.

I put the book back on the shelf, took a deep breath, and walked away.  I mulled over this blog post for awhile and debated- should I? Shouldn't I? This hasn't been easy to write. I feel the need to produce some amazing insight, and I have nothing.  I put the book on the shelf and walked away. I will never look at it again, and I will certainly never use any of this woman's recipes no matter how good they are.  Perhaps the takeaway here is that we often underestimate how our actions impact other people.  Even though I haven't seen this woman since high school, her name still has the power to make me physically nauseated.  Perhaps if we kept in mind that what we do can impact others in ways we may never know, the world might be a (slightly) better place.

Persistence

Beware, fellow parents. You have less than 3 months to shop for your over-commercialized December holiday of choice.  In the Mom of No’s house, that’s Christmas. 

I am well aware of this fact, because my son is well aware of this fact, and he is constantly revising his wish list and then informing me of the revisions, so that I am perpetually aware of his current heart’s desire.  I don't know if this is an autism thing, an adolescent boy thing, or just a thing, but it drives me crazy.  

A few days ago I was sitting in the bathroom doing bathroom things, and I hear him yelling outside the door, MOM! MOM! I need to show you something RIGHT NOW!  Even though the door is shut my Mom Senses indicate he’s jumping up and down with extreme impatience. I was envisioning house-related disasters involving gushing water or fire trucks.  But no, he wanted to show me the same exact LEGO set on Amazon that he’d been staring at for the last two months- except this time it was….get this…..on sale. 

He follows me around the house with the iPad and constantly asks me whether or not he can have the LEGO set with the demolition truck, or maybe the one with the bike shop because he wants to build a LEGO city in the living room.  We have conversations that go like this: 

Him:  I really want the LEGO set with the tractor.

Me:    I know.  You’ve told me several times. 

Him:  Can I have it for Christmas?

Me:    I’ll think about it but only if you don’t ask me again.

Him:  (Five minutes later)  Mom, I want that LEGO set really badly with the tractor.

Me:    (silent zen breathing and staring straight ahead) 
Him:  Mom? Mom? Did you hear me?  I really want this LEGO set.

It’s like a hamster in a wheel, going around and around and around and around…and it is going to drive the Mom of No crazy because there are still nearly THREE MONTHS before Christmas morning.  Then I will get exactly a 24 hour period of total peace and quiet before he starts all over again with his newest heart's desire which will be some other LEGO set which is almost exactly like the one he just got.

He’ll hear me mention that I’m going to Target, and he’ll run to the car so fast it’s a blur going by because in his mind Target is only the best store ever – and then when we get there he goes off to the toy section and stares wistfully at the LEGO kits. When I’m finished with my errands, he’ll look at me and sigh, I wish I had that LEGO set.  I want it really badly.   Of course he knows that the answer will be NO, but he still asks because he is so incredibly persistent when he wants something even when he knows that he isn't going to get it.

At least LEGOS are relatively affordable.  When I ask his sister what she wants for Christmas, the conversation goes something like this: 

Me: What do you want for Christmas?

Teenager:    My own laptop.  And a trip to Europe.  

You know what the Mom of No wants for Christmas?

 

A pair of Danner hiking boots so I can hike out into the woods and hide there forever.

Complaining

The Mom of No thinks we should stop complaining on Facebook*.

By complaining, what she really means is whining and pot-stirring.

Seriously, if you are in your mid-twenties or older, you should know the difference between a real problem and a Suck It Up Buttercup complaint.  Teenagers whine about things that older people think are not worth whining about because they lack perspective.  A Mom of No story here: The Mom of No took one of the teenagers to a Doc in the Box a few years ago because the teenager kept complaining about her knee hurting.  When the doctor asked the teenager to rate the pain on a scale of 1-10, the teenager says, "10! It's a 10! It hurts SO BAD!". There was much agony and gnashing of teeth.  The Mom of No scoffed at that rating.  A 2 maybe, but not a 10.  This was Suck It Up Buttercup pain, not a red frowny face on the chart pain. A 10 is childbirth, or a bone sticking out of your leg, or a nail in your eye.  But the doctor pointed out that pain is relational, so if you don't have much to compare it to, then minor knee pain might be a 10 to a healthy, active teenager.  The Mom of No tries to take that point into consideration when she hears teenager whining.

But adults?  We should know better. 

We expect people to give us the benefit of the doubt while we refuse to give it to others, and we expect to go through our lives never being inconvenienced by others while expecting others to be completely understanding and forgiving when we inconvenience them.  Clearly, this is not sustainable thinking.  At one point or another in our lives, we all depend on someone- often a stranger- to give us the benefit of the doubt, or to have some patience, or to be forgiving when we make mistakes.  We shouldn't expect it of others while refusing to give it ourselves.

When people post whining and pot stirring on Facebook, I often wonder what results they are hoping for.  Are you posting a picture of a car that cut you off (but didn't actually hit you) because you're expecting the other residents of your community to hunt them down and string them up by their toes in the town square?   That probably isn't going to happen (at least I hope not). You went to a restaurant and you didn't get quite what you were expecting?  Talk to the manager so the business can make it right before you post on Facebook that the restaurant sucks and no one should ever go there.  Baby crying on your flight? Did you arrive safely at your destination? Bring ear buds next time. The Mom of No hates it when people recline the seat on an airplane, but that's how air travel is these days.  Zen breathing, ear plugs, and a good book go far to mitigate the misery.

It can be hard not to do this.  When we feel we've been wronged in some way, posting it on Facebook and getting responses can make it seem like we are receiving justice if the feedback is (mostly) supportive.  But did anything really get resolved? Facebook is good for many things- keeping in touch, posting pictures of cute critters, keeping people informed, and yes- helping people resolve problems.  But sometimes if you need to whine or complain, you're better off just calling texting your BFF and venting to them. 

*The Mom of No has likely been guilty of doing this very thing that she is telling others not to do, but she is trying very hard not to.  Sometimes I'm about to hit the post button, then thinks, "Do I sound whiny and petty?" and if the answer is  yes, I delete it- but sometimes the filter malfunctions.

This post is, by the way, teenager-approved.

Bad iPhone Nature Photography Friday



Bobcat (Lynx rufus)

The Mom of No and her son had a small adventure while out for an evening hike at the local nature preserve.  I promised you some bad iPhone photography and I continue to deliver on that promise, but I think you can still see this critter.

I've been hiking out in this area for years, and this is the first time I have seen a bobcat.  I've also seen two alligators, and I did get a bad iPhone shot of them too. 

My son was beyond excited when he saw the bobcat.  At first he thought it was a tiger.  Then he wanted me to make sure that I e-mailed the picture to his teacher, so that she would believe him when he told her that he saw a bobcat. 

The bobcat didn't seem too concerned about our presence- he was meandering down the trail, doing his bobcat thing, just kind of hanging out.  After he realized we were there, he turned and went off into the brush, and then after a few minutes, he headed off into the trees and we lost sight of him.

Advice

The Mom of No has a hard time reading the news, because I get all annoyed and irritated and starts yelling at the poor, undeserving mobile device, and we all know that while technology can’t talk back, it does have a way of getting revenge when its feelings are unnecessarily hurt. What the Mom of No finds frustrating is that there is a lot of news that isn’t really news,  and reactions to events from people who get far more publicity than they really deserve. 

Many of these people are famous simply because they are related to political figures, or because they have a reality TV show, or they used to have a reality TV show (aside: The Mom of No encourages you to just say no to reality TV. Go read a book or talk to a friend).  Some of them are famous because they have a lot of money.  Some of them are famous because they have hit upon a way to appeal to a small but vocal segment of the population. Some of them are famous for no discernible reason (at least to the Mom of No, who admittedly watches very little TV). What all these people have in common is that their opinions are given far more weight than what they should be given.  

So kids, listen up.  The Mom of No is going to give you some advice which you can choose to take, or not.  Maybe you won’t take it now, because you are teenagers and therefore automatically suspect of any parental insights, but that’s okay. I won’t take it personally*.  Maybe you’ll at least agree to think about it.

These people, these reality TV stars and these family members of famous people, and these people who are famous because they are rich and have plenty of time and money but very little common sense- these are not the people whose opinions should matter to you.  Consider their offerings with a discerning mind and a huge grain of salt.

If you are looking for role models, for mentors, for people whose lives can inspire you, for people whose opinions should matter to you, for people who can offer real insight into current events and who can make you think deeply about important questions, look elsewhere.  Look for people who you admire because of their work ethic, their ceaseless ability to overcome challenge, their motivation to change the world for the better in little ways and large, their willingness to give of their time, talent and treasure to others.  Look for people who are kind and loyal and honest  and inclusive of others and who do what they say they will do. Look for people who are willing to own their mistakes and learn from them. 

Look at your family, your friends, your schools, your community, your place of worship.  Look at books. The local library is full of books about people- both fictional and real-who have insights to offer you and lives that will inspire you.  Look at the entire world, and see who is out there working and making good things happen and speaking up for others who cannot, and taking real risks and making real sacrifices to do what they know they are called to do without expecting accolades and riches because the need is in their soul and they cannot ignore it.   Like all human beings, these people will have flaws. How do they acknowledge their errors?  How do they overcome their weaknesses?  

Just please don’t think that just because someone is famous, or on reality TV, or has a pile of money, or is stunningly beautiful or handsome, or has well-known relatives, that they are worth emulating, or that their opinion on a subject should inform yours.  The Mom of No will add, to be fair, that just because someone is famous, gorgeous, and/or wealthy, does not mean that they are not worthy of your respect and admiration - just be sure that they have it for the right reasons.  You have so many choices of people to admire and emulate; choose wisely. 

 

*Well, OK, I kind of will take it personally- but I’ll suck it up and get over it.  I hear that in about 10 years, my advice will be worth something again.

 

Critter of the Day: 18 September

 

 

 

 

 Eastern Pondhawk (Erythemis simplicicollis)

One of my hobbies obsessions is taking nature pictures with my iPhone.  One of these days, when the teenagers- aka the stomachs on legs- move out and the grocery bill decreases to a reasonable level, The Mom of No might invest in an actual camera designed for the purpose of nature photography.  For now, however, it is the phone.

The iPhone takes  reasonably good shots of things that don't move, like fungi- but trying to get a picture of something like a dragonfly with an iPhone is mostly like trying to brush a toddler's teeth while he is running down the street. Sometimes, however, if you are lucky and patient (and a little bit stealthy) good things will come your way. 

Until this spring, I used to walk by dragonflies on the trail and not really think much about them, and then a fellow naturalist started taking gorgeous pictures that showed just how beautiful dragonflies are, so I was inspired to make some attempts.  I am terrible at dragonfly ID; it seems that distinguishing between two different species can often hinge on some tiny detail. This one, though, is easy because she is so distinctive.  I can even tell you this is a female Eastern Pondhawk.  The male is blue.

People Pleaser

The Mom of No is having angst. 

So this is the story: on Sunday at church part of the sermon had to do with people pleasing and why this might not be a good thing.  The Mom of No was sitting and listening attentively, as she always does, and not thinking about the grocery store or work or lunch or anything else. Nope, listening attentively, and thinking that I had this covered:  an inability to say no to things even when saying no is a good choice is one of the three characteristics of people pleasers, and I am, after all, The Mom of No.  

And then later I had a conversation with my teenager about people pleasing and I asked her, do you think I am a people pleaser?  And without hesitation she says “Yes”.   

WHAT? How could this be? I don’t want to be a people pleaser! I had just heard that it was a bad thing!  The whole basis of the Mom of No identity is that she doesn’t care what people think! I could feel my entire being begin to crumble. Here I’d set up this whole blog and Facebook page and thinking about T-shirts and now I would have to rename it all the Mom of Yes! But I don’t want to be the Mom of Yes!   

But-and this is really hard to admit- maybe my teenager is right.  Maybe I am kind of a people pleaser.  Sometimes. Not all the time. Part of my people pleaser issue, I think, is that I tend to feel responsible for others’ problems even when they are not necessarily my problems.  When I did that Strengths-finder assessment for work a few years ago, “responsibility” was my #1 strength. (You know what was at the bottom? Empathy.  I am lacking in empathy. According to that assessment, I feel responsible for your problem, but I don’t feel your pain about the problem.  I’m not quite sure what that means about me as a human being…but I digress). Since I feel responsible, sometimes I might say yes when what I’m really thinking is “I don’t really want to work the concession stand for the band even though no one has signed up- I want to go home and study my “Dragonflies and Damselflies Field Guide of North America” and take a nap”.  

And then there is also this: as a teenager the Mom of No was awkward and introverted and lacking in understanding of the nuances of teenage social norms, and as a result had few friends.  So I have some residual angst when I put myself on the line (like this blog, for example). What if people hate it? Then they’ll despise me! Sometimes I write things on Facebook or even this blog and then delete them, because I worry that what I have written may meet with disapproval of some kind.  Then I have angst about that, because I’m always telling the offspring if someone disagrees with you and they stop being your friend, they weren’t your friend to begin with- and here I am, editing myself, which actually makes me a hypocrite because I’m telling the teenagers one thing and doing another.  I should have the courage to speak out more, but sometimes the Mom of No is the Mom of Wuss.  

Clearly this people pleaser subject requires more soul searching and self-assessment. One aspect of my son’s autism is that he’s so authentically himself that I don’t think people pleasing is an issue for him, but I want to be a good role model for him and for the teenager.   

Meanwhile, I am adding to my routine a short ritual: every morning, I will look in the mirror and say “I am the MOM OF NO! And I am PROUD! And I will NOT BE A WUSS!” 

Unless you think that is a bit weird? 

Spider!

Yellow Garden Spider (Argiope aurantia)

 

This is one of my favorite creatures- the yellow garden spider.  The Mom of No is not too great at spider ID (yet) and it's one of the few that I know- but I think it's a gorgeous spider.  I love the colors and pattterns on their abdomens.  The first time I saw one I was terrified that it was some poisonous arachnid that would kill me if I got too close, but I have yet to have one hunt me down. I did, however, see one ensnare a dragonfly.  I've read that they can bite, but that the bite is not serious.  Their webs have a thick zig-zag stripe in the middle of the web, called a stabilimentum.

Yellow garden spider with stabilimentum

 

 

 

And her unfortunate dragonfly prey.

The Mom of No says YES! to Thank You Notes

The purpose of this blog post is actually to remind my teenager that she has some thank you notes to write.  The Mom of No can be a bit of a stickler about thank you notes; she even forked over the big bucks a few years ago for the teenager to take an etiquette class to learn- among other almost obsolete skills like fine table manners and ballroom dancing- how to write good thank you notes.  The Mom of No is so old school she actually makes her kids write their notes on paper, using a pen.  I know, the horror, right?

When the Mom of No was a kid, way back in the dark ages, the Grandma of No was also a stickler for writing thank you notes- and the Mom of No, who was then the Teenager of Sulk, would roll her eyes and moan and generally act like the world was ending because, you know, it takes FOREVER, and who cares ANYWAY, and WHATEVER, and that pinnacle of adolescent reasoning: “But NO ONE ELSE HAS TO DO IT!”.  Then there were notes to write for high school graduation, and college graduation, and wedding gifts and then a few years later, baby presents (the Mom of No stops here to mention that some of those baby present thank you notes might have been a little incoherent…but she was sleep deprived).  

Then the Mom of No entered that period of life where you are usually the giver of the gifts, and not the receiver of the gifts- and she came to the realization that yes, the thank you notes do matter.  For one, it lets you know that the gift (or money with a card folded around it) was actually received, instead of drifting along to Siberia on a tanker, or sitting in a USPS warehouse, forgotten and alone.   

For another, although I don’t do nice things for people thinking “and I can’t wait to get that thank you note”- I do them because I want to do them- I appreciate the fact that they took time out of their lives to sit down and write a note.  I think it means something to people to know that something they did sent out a positive vibe into the world, a place that is often severely lacking in positive vibes.   

Finally, The Mom of No does not want her offspring growing up thinking that it is okay to receive without expressing appreciation (even if you’re not too thrilled about the gift- here the Mom of No sends a Mom Glare in the direction of her younger child).  It’s a good life skill to have.  Writing a good thank you note will serve you well, although when you are a kid writing notes seems like some silly Mom Rule that they teach you in Mom School* to torture your kids with.   

When you are an adult, kids, you can text or e-mail or mind meld or however they’re doing it in the future- but as long as you live under the roof of the Mom of No’s house- it’s pen and paper.  So suck it up and start writing**.  

*Little known fact: there is no Mom School.  We just make it up as we go along. That’s why mothers sometimes fall back on “Because I said so!”- Our individualized and self-written “How to Mom” manual is still in draft form.  

**And no texting language.  Standard written English, please.

The Mom Museum

Even though the Mom of No's younger kid is on the autism spectrum, he has learned one social skill quite well:

The art of flattery.

He is a master at re-directing your attention when he thinks that re-direction is in his best interest.  And sometimes he does it just because he can. For example, this weekend we went to the the local Y to swim.  When we pulled up in the parking lot, it was obvious they were doing some construction project.

"I wonder what that is?"  I said, mostly to myself.
"It's the Mom Museum!" my son said.  "It's a museum for awesome moms like you!"

I've actually heard that one before- but he knows that even though the Mom of No is a cynical meanie who lives to make her offspring suffer, that one still warms the cockles of my heart.  What mother wouldn't want to have tribute paid to her spectacular mothering skills in a Mom Museum?

Every now and then, I'll go to open his backpack after school he'll look at me and say,

"Mom, you are pretty and beautiful!"

That's when I know that  I will be having a conversation with a school administrator in the next 24 hours, because there is something in that backpack I will not like.  "Pretty and Beautiful" also gets pulled out when he wants something at the store. 

My final favorite is this one:

"Mom, you are a great cooker!", or "Mom, you are the best cooker ever!".

That one usually gets pulled out when he wants me to cook or bake something he likes, like lasagna.

When one of these phrases gets pulled out, and my older kid is within hearing range, she'll usually roll her eyes and say "MOM! He's just buttering you up!" Obviously, the Mom of No knows this.  She didn't fall off the Mom Truck yesterday.   However, it is really hard to be mad at a kid who is looking at you with his adorable face, telling you that you are pretty and beautiful AND a good cooker. 

That's why when I get depressed about what his future holds, given all his challenges, I try to keep in mind the Mom Museum- if a kid can dream up a Mom Museum, who knows what else he'll surprise me with in the coming years.

Hiking

Blue Dasher

The Mom of No frequently participates in something called "Field Notes Friday", which is an informal social media effort by naturalists to share observations and thoughs about nature.  This is my Field Notes Friday- with the blog I can write more, so I will. And, you get a cool dragonfly picture at the top!

When I tell people I like to hike around in the woods with or without the offspring (sometimes the Mom of No just needs quiet space in nature's beauty, and not adolescents giving her a hard time about her trying to get a decent picture of some really great observation, or asking when they can leave to go get snow cones) they often say "Aren't you afraid of snakes? What about alligators? Aren't you worried about alligators?"  Well, no, not really- what the Mom of No fears is poison ivy.  If you have ever had a poison ivy rash, you know what I speak of- and poison ivy is almost everywhere. If I were a character in a Stephen King novel, he would kill me off by using poison ivy somehow.  If you are worried about dying on your nature experience, you probably are taking a greater risk driving to the trailhead in a car than actually getting bitten by a snake or eaten by an alligator. *  I don't go looking to get bitten by snakes and since I have actually seen an alligator exactly once (and it was far away), I don't worry about gators. 

Something I have noticed about hiking with teenagers is that they are more likely to share things when on a hike with their mom than they are at home.  I've had some really interesting and thought provoking conversations while trying to navigate around patches of poison ivy.  At home when you ask "How was school?", they roll their eyes and say things like "I dunno" and "Huh?", or they completely ignore you because they have earbuds in and apparently your mouth is moving but nothing is coming out.  On the trail, the situation is reversed- the Mom of No will be looking through the binocs at a gorgeous great blue heron catching a fish in a pond and the teenager will choose that exact moment to something like "So, Mom (great pause) what do you think about (insert controversial subject of intense current social debate here)?  It is a great opportunity to impart maternal wisdom on young minds before they become adults and have endless opportunities to make Bad Life Choices. 



*I did not look that up. I'm making an assumption.  Please don't go around posting that statement on Facebook or anywhere else as an authoritative source.  Just because I  have a blog does not make me an authority on...well, really, anything.  I'm the mother of teenagers.  I know nothing.